16 ways to maintain a Healthy level of insanity.
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars, see if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put a garbage can on your desk and label it "IN"
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone is over their Caffeine addictions, switch to expresso.
6. Finish all your sentences with "In Accordance to the Prophecy".
7.Don't use any punctuation.
8. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
9. Specify that your drive thru order is "To Go"
10. Sing Along at the Opera
11. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
12. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.
13. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I WON I WON!!"
14. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!!"
15. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
16. Send this to your friends to make them smile, It's called therapy.
The white man said, "Colored people are not allowed here." The black man turned around and stood up. He then said: "Listen sir...when I was born I was BLACK, When I grew up I was BLACK, When I'm sick I'm BLACK, When I go in the sun I'm BLACK, When I'm cold I'm BLACK, When I die I'll be BLACK. But you sir, When you're born you're PINK, When you grow up you're WHITE, When you're sick, you're GREEN, When you go in the sun you turn RED, When you're cold you turn BLUE, And when you die you turn PURPLE. And you have the nerve to call me colored?" The black man then sat back down and the white man walked away...
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. But if the doctor is Carlisle, screw the fruit!
I used to care, but I take a pill for that now.
I call you squishy and you shall be mine. You will be my squishy!
I called your boyfriend gay, and he hit me with his purse.
When life gives you lemons throw the back and demand vodka.
Evening news is where they say, "Good Evening" then proceed to tell you why it's not.
The dinosaur's extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all committed suicide.
Labels are for cans, and in case you haven't noticed, I'm not a can!
Excuse me. Have you seen my sanity? I think I've lost it...
Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us how to walk and talk, then the rest of our lives telling us to sit down and shut up.
They say, "Guns don't kill people. People kill people." Well, I think the gun helps. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.
Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep-- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
I'm the kind of girl who will burst our laughing in the middle of a dead silence because of something that happened yesterday.
"God made man, and then he said, "I can do better than that," and made woman." - Adela Rodgers St. Johns
"Whoever said nothing is impossible, never tried to slam a revolving door,"- Unknown
“When there's a will, I want to be in it.” – Unknown
When I was younger, my parents encouraged me to walk and talk. Now, all they want me to do is sit down and shut up!
Don't think of your self as an ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey.
A stranger stabs you in the front; a friend stabs you in the back; a boyfriend stabs you in the heart, but best friends only poke each other with straws.
"We live in an age where pizza gets to your house before the police do."
Hippopotomonstrousaequipodaliophobic - Fear of long words.
You cry, I cry. You laugh, I laugh. You fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder.
My best friends are the kind that if my house were on fire, they'd be roasting marsh mellows and flirting with the firemen.
Boys are like slinkys, useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs.
I ran with scissors, and lived!
I'm not prejudiced. I hate everyone equally.
If two wrongs dont make a right, try three.
Borrow money from pessimists- they dont expect to get it back!
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & and those that cant.
Flying is simple. Just throw yourself at the ground and miss.
Don’t knock on death’s door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.
